this winter
Kristian
today is thursday the 15th of december 2022. it’s half past eight central european time. i’ve made another christmas song. with chords i got from somewhere. it started out as an acoustic piano song. but i thought i’d let my muscles play as a producer. and out came a rocky pop song. i’m accompanied as almost always by snowflake, whose melodies and vocals always bring me joy.
yesterday my therapist dr bliss said that music is like work for me. it gives my life a greater far-reaching meaning and fills my life. she said for others it is work for me it would be music.
and when i think about it. it’s true. when you listen to the song, it’s just like coming to the office in the morning. gossiping with your colleagues about the trivialities of their lives. then turning on the pc with a resigned sigh. reading the memos from the boss and some annoying colleagues. sighing again with resignation. to load the first file and then to do the same thing over and over again with the same mental gestures that have been used for ten years. to take a break at 10 o’clock to eat the bread and sausage that one has brought from home. to gossip again about the trivialities of life. to return to the workplace. to do the same mental gestures over and over again.
to ask the all transcending philiosophical question at the end of the day:
what have i created today? i don’t know. because tomorrow will be the same as today and next week. and the next 20 years will be the same. always the same. until i retire, which i’m already looking forward to.
yes, when i think about it. my song here is the same. in every respect.:)))
…
today is still thursday. although a little later central european time.
i just got a disability pension decision. it was granted until december 31, 2024. now i can make music for two years without having to worry about money. i get
yesterday my therapist dr bliss said that music is like work for me. it gives my life a greater far-reaching meaning and fills my life. she said for others it is work for me it would be music.
and when i think about it. it’s true. when you listen to the song, it’s just like coming to the office in the morning. gossiping with your colleagues about the trivialities of their lives. then turning on the pc with a resigned sigh. reading the memos from the boss and some annoying colleagues. sighing again with resignation. to load the first file and then to do the same thing over and over again with the same mental gestures that have been used for ten years. to take a break at 10 o’clock to eat the bread and sausage that one has brought from home. to gossip again about the trivialities of life. to return to the workplace. to do the same mental gestures over and over again.
to ask the all transcending philiosophical question at the end of the day:
what have i created today? i don’t know. because tomorrow will be the same as today and next week. and the next 20 years will be the same. always the same. until i retire, which i’m already looking forward to.
yes, when i think about it. my song here is the same. in every respect.:)))
…
today is still thursday. although a little later central european time.
i just got a disability pension decision. it was granted until december 31, 2024. now i can make music for two years without having to worry about money. i get
200 every month and that’s it. and no one is asking me to take a job.
in the beginning of 2020 when the corona pandemic started i was still working. but i thought i don’t want to get infected for the 1300 dollars i was earning there at that time. so i went to irena my psychiatrist at that time and said that i was afraid of face masks, which became mandatory at that time. i was immediately put on sick leave. and as time went by i liked to pursue my music without being bothered. and i always got my 1200 dollars from the employment office. and so i lied and lied. i only had to go to the psychiatrist once a month and that was it. then a psychologist came along. i lied to her too. and now i’m here. free from everything. free to make my music, to romp around on the internet and so on.
1200 dollars isn’t much. but it’s enough for my rent and pocket money. my medication and doctor visits are paid for. i can drink myself into a stupor 2 or 3 times a week and then create musical masterpieces. or even sober.
i don’t go to clubs where little dancing noodles sell their b8tts for a line speed on the disco toilet. because i’m too old. i don’t go out to eat, because i get schnitzel with fries from my mother on sunday and besides pizza (today i’m eating pizza) and hamburgers i don’t like anything. and i can have them delivered from time to time. and for midi files loops and virtual instruments the money is still enough as for amazon prime, disney+, spotify (which i will cancel because i don’t use it) and xbox cloud.
i am fully equipped technically.
what about women? well, after my 12 years of unsuccessful and unrequited love for a woman of the same age, that’s been done with over time. when i look at my peers on tiktok, i don’t feel the attraction to pick up a mid-forties woman with a high body count who has already been considerably affected by gravity. 25 to 35 year old women remain. they cost money. they want to go to clubs and have nice meals. i prefer to stick to the queens of my neighborhood, who 8ffer their love services for little money and are always new, because they never stay long in the l8ve apartments.
so yes i have enough money for wine, women and song.
now the people who go to work for all the little comforts of life or maybe for the children or grandchildren (when i think of my mid-forties peers who still know me from school) think: that’s no life.
i don’t know what the alternative would be? sl1pping over your spouse once a week? constantly worrying about the countless loans you’ve taken out? worrying about your young, h8rmone-driven children and grandchildren? groveling at work?
my father left such a life at my age, separated from my mother, put the half-renovated house of my mother on her shoulders, collected the rent and moved to croatia as a disability pensioner. there he made contacts in the croatian underworld and was on the police’s radar there. he made out with third-rate poor croatian sl8ts until he found a new woman for life in 1998. then i was targeted by the german police in germany, because of my father in croatia. german police were thorough. my room for maneuver was limited, because the criminal police were quite noticeable. then i cemented my parents house in germany offenbach to end me a ffmi from 18 to 28 schwarzenegger style built up and later in 2012 when my father was still active in the croatian underworld ( my sister got hold of some documents after his death) an attack by drug dealers who maybe on behalf of the german police wanted to get me around the corner. but i destroyed them two days later on good friday 2012 in the center of frankfurt in broad daylight and thus bought back my freedom, because from then on i was no longer harassed by anyone. but you already know that.
back to my father. my father got his part from the house sale i made possible in germany ( my mother bought a house by the sea). my father invested in his new love and crooked business. he probably made some profit, got a daughter from the new wife in 2000. he legally recognized her. in 2012, when his daughter was so big that he could not see any similarities with himself, he stopped paying alimony. he had to go to court because of this and was even more known to the police. he was ordered to pay alimony to the new great love of his life, from whom he separated in 2008, until 2020. he was afraid of a dna test, because he told everyone so proudly about his daughter in 2000, including me, and was afraid of the shame. according to the documents that my sister has, he was cheated out of his interest usury deals with the mafia. such as a title deed for a house that does not exist. at the beginning of 2019, my father gave up on life and then peacefully drunk according to the autopsy report fell asleep at 66 years old on the couch in his house in croatia, where he was found 3 days later slightly decomposed.
yes, that’s how it can happen.
but i don’t think that will happen to me.
be that as it may.
i’m about to make some pizza.
in the beginning of 2020 when the corona pandemic started i was still working. but i thought i don’t want to get infected for the 1300 dollars i was earning there at that time. so i went to irena my psychiatrist at that time and said that i was afraid of face masks, which became mandatory at that time. i was immediately put on sick leave. and as time went by i liked to pursue my music without being bothered. and i always got my 1200 dollars from the employment office. and so i lied and lied. i only had to go to the psychiatrist once a month and that was it. then a psychologist came along. i lied to her too. and now i’m here. free from everything. free to make my music, to romp around on the internet and so on.
1200 dollars isn’t much. but it’s enough for my rent and pocket money. my medication and doctor visits are paid for. i can drink myself into a stupor 2 or 3 times a week and then create musical masterpieces. or even sober.
i don’t go to clubs where little dancing noodles sell their b8tts for a line speed on the disco toilet. because i’m too old. i don’t go out to eat, because i get schnitzel with fries from my mother on sunday and besides pizza (today i’m eating pizza) and hamburgers i don’t like anything. and i can have them delivered from time to time. and for midi files loops and virtual instruments the money is still enough as for amazon prime, disney+, spotify (which i will cancel because i don’t use it) and xbox cloud.
i am fully equipped technically.
what about women? well, after my 12 years of unsuccessful and unrequited love for a woman of the same age, that’s been done with over time. when i look at my peers on tiktok, i don’t feel the attraction to pick up a mid-forties woman with a high body count who has already been considerably affected by gravity. 25 to 35 year old women remain. they cost money. they want to go to clubs and have nice meals. i prefer to stick to the queens of my neighborhood, who 8ffer their love services for little money and are always new, because they never stay long in the l8ve apartments.
so yes i have enough money for wine, women and song.
now the people who go to work for all the little comforts of life or maybe for the children or grandchildren (when i think of my mid-forties peers who still know me from school) think: that’s no life.
i don’t know what the alternative would be? sl1pping over your spouse once a week? constantly worrying about the countless loans you’ve taken out? worrying about your young, h8rmone-driven children and grandchildren? groveling at work?
my father left such a life at my age, separated from my mother, put the half-renovated house of my mother on her shoulders, collected the rent and moved to croatia as a disability pensioner. there he made contacts in the croatian underworld and was on the police’s radar there. he made out with third-rate poor croatian sl8ts until he found a new woman for life in 1998. then i was targeted by the german police in germany, because of my father in croatia. german police were thorough. my room for maneuver was limited, because the criminal police were quite noticeable. then i cemented my parents house in germany offenbach to end me a ffmi from 18 to 28 schwarzenegger style built up and later in 2012 when my father was still active in the croatian underworld ( my sister got hold of some documents after his death) an attack by drug dealers who maybe on behalf of the german police wanted to get me around the corner. but i destroyed them two days later on good friday 2012 in the center of frankfurt in broad daylight and thus bought back my freedom, because from then on i was no longer harassed by anyone. but you already know that.
back to my father. my father got his part from the house sale i made possible in germany ( my mother bought a house by the sea). my father invested in his new love and crooked business. he probably made some profit, got a daughter from the new wife in 2000. he legally recognized her. in 2012, when his daughter was so big that he could not see any similarities with himself, he stopped paying alimony. he had to go to court because of this and was even more known to the police. he was ordered to pay alimony to the new great love of his life, from whom he separated in 2008, until 2020. he was afraid of a dna test, because he told everyone so proudly about his daughter in 2000, including me, and was afraid of the shame. according to the documents that my sister has, he was cheated out of his interest usury deals with the mafia. such as a title deed for a house that does not exist. at the beginning of 2019, my father gave up on life and then peacefully drunk according to the autopsy report fell asleep at 66 years old on the couch in his house in croatia, where he was found 3 days later slightly decomposed.
yes, that’s how it can happen.
but i don’t think that will happen to me.
be that as it may.
i’m about to make some pizza.